Saturday, August 17, 2013

or maybe i've just got allergies. Some kind of  sinus infection maybe?  

Whodathunk we would have 70 degree weather in August?

Congratulations to Kerry Painter and Tom Adcock for winning the PBA50 doubles tournament this week in Decatur.

No Production Saturday continues......

Enjoy your weekend.
--Mark Burkenbine

Friday, August 16, 2013

We've all seen it..

We have all seen it, heard it, or been a part of it. Most of us are not proud that it has happened. The government has not interfered. It's a no mans land. An unlegislated, unregulated ruleless world where only the strongest survive. There is no code and no civilized recourse.  Barbarians plunder the weak and doughty innocent. There is no protection, and those involved have no choice. It's a genetic calling, not a choice. It is in their blood.

Yes, I write of those who write. Those yet to be paid for there contribution to society. They who are not yet CHOSEN , and termed PROFESSIONAL by the masses who can save them.  I speak of bloggers.   Those of The Blog.

Those shunned by the scholarly and accredited.

But, we cannot blame those that are not of this thing called Blog.  They only see the damage and the smear campaigns.   They see destroyed hotels after the Blogger concerts and conventions. The pregnant groupies trying to explain to there parents or spouses ,that you only knew the name of one of the many blogs the unknown wordsmith may have written.

Those on the outside see the blogger tour busses getting pulled over for who knows what. They see their own kids dressing up like bloggers even though it is against school dress codes. The blogger gang wars and the innocent bystanders caught in the middle.  One gang starts shooting ..nobody knows why. Sometimes, its simply cause they didn't like the others font. Sometimes it's something bigger , like rival bloghosting sites trying to take over new territory.

The Church has started moving its representatives to other locations. There are rumors starting that some of them are also of The Blog and they are trying to stay ahead of the lawsuits.   Coverups will one day be...uncovered.

In the Hollywood movie pipeline, there will soon be
---Movies about kids wanting to be bloggers and society and parents scorning them.   I am sure there will be a vampire version.
---Movies of young love between bloggers and the tragedy that  assuredly awaits them.
--Best seller books about blogging.  The author later will reveal he made millions off of a lie and he is not of the Blog---which will then make millions when he sells the screenplay rights about the lie.(those of the Blog will find him and the author will live in fear for the rest of his existence.)

Treatment programs are coming. There are many that will tell you this is a choice. There will be some scientists that will offer a genetic code altering solution. It will go all wrong, and then you have a genetic mutant superblogger running loose out there.
That is  when the government will have to step in. There will be a new agency created to deal with The Blog and that's when it just gets ugly....us against them mentality.  

Bloggers, just stay low.   Don't do anything stupid like put your real name in the title of the blog.

Have a good one and Thank you for your time, Mark Burkenbine
There is a knock on my door.

Run You FOOLS. RUN

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Good Evening. Tonight we list the top five posts of The ATB on Classic Repost Thursday.

Coming in at

# 1  --Our first Classic Repost Thursday--   Finally... Movement

#2  --A rule of Engagement, Part 1:  Nonviolent Debate

#3 --Welcome to the Internet Time Suck

#3 --Breaking News--Success

#5 --Drink Water/ Fitness Campaign Pitch

#5 --181 Millions Blogs to 1/ Thank You Chaun and Eric

Tonights repost was just out of the top 5. A post from August 9th,2013 that I'm sure you will all remember fondly.    Titled............Advice for bloggers.      Set back. Dim the lights and cuddle up in front of the fire, on this oddly chilly night in August, and enjoy -

Advice for bloggers.

     It's happening-- AGAIN.
     After 3 days in your desk chair, the toes are falling asleep. Your thighs are cramping. The thought of another thought makes you dizzy, and you just want to take a li'l nap ...

     -Blogger, BEWARE! You need to exercise. Exercise is when you move around to get the blood to make a full trip through your body, and get your lungs to take in enough oxygen to survive. This may keep you from stroking out. Jumping Jacks are an excellent exercise to do. 30-50 jumping jacks will have you somewhat functioning again. At least well enough to blog and further pollute the once pristine waters of the internet.
     When doing blogger jumping jacks, we should review the safety guidelines.  Make sure all power cords, glasses, plates, silverware, staplers, lamps and windows are a safe distance away. Stretch a little before you pull a hammy. DO NOT do jumping jacks in front of the cell phone, laptop, or other potential video devices, and DO NOT do them naked. Step away.....If you are blogging, then you know full well what happens to the mind. Your are in full "look at me" mode. Is a jump in hits worth it? (If you answered yes, there may be a 12 step program just for you)

 Of course, our last bit of advice. Do Not do jumping jacks in flip flops. For the ladies and the confused, also do not do them in heels. It can just end badly.
Have a good weekend, Hug your loved ones, and I thank you for your time---Mark Burkenbine

Remember, I am not a real blogger. I just play one on the internet.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


Here at the ATB, we have strict standards on how bad the content can get. We would like to make sure you get a full 1 minute refund for that last post.  Your time means something to us.....unlike our other competitors in the timesuck who just take and take....   Thank you for your patronage. Have a wonderful day

Mark Burkenbine
Good afternoon. If you are looking at this, it is obvious that we share a problem.  We are caught in the timesuck that is the internet.

Can you believe a blog of this high quality can be created for absolutely no cost? Just items setting around the house.  Let's see....from looking at the pictures below, I could use a sign maker , tanning booth company, fitness club, hair club, and a wardrobe company to sign on as sponsors.  Or I could hire an actor...oh yeah. Not in the budget.

Oh well. I still have a face for radio.

I am not short and fat. I prefer 'symmetrical'.  All Things Burkenbine thanks you for your time...this has been a minute you will never get back.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

  If you were going to write an autobiography, what would you put in it? I've been going over my mess for awhile...and it may actually be an interesting read. The problem is, who wants to read  'Joe Schmoe Tells His Story'?   'The life of Mark Burkenbine' probably doesn't sell book one.  I would probably title it  'My Ass is Feeling Squishy, I Hope My Hemorrhoid Didn't Bust--The Trials and Tribulations of Mark Burkenbine'.  I still don't think that's getting me on Oprah's book list. I am not sure what I would have to lie about to get it on the bestseller list.

    I do remember damn near everything in my life. I was born in '68 and remember my brother coming home from the hospital in '70.  I climbed everything and fell or someone had to get a ladder . I loved to climb but was afraid of heights. ...Hmm. (mental note, this may have been a sign of things to come)
Clumsy and awkward,bike wrecks and falls. So many trips to the E.R.  Sooo many stitches.   I talked a lot and told a lot of jokes. Even as a kid nobody laughed.   My audience has never appreciated great talent.   It's easier to see the problem with everyone else as you get older but I had this skill at six years old.

   I was the kid who stuck his head through the fence gate and got his ears stuck on the way back out. Repeatedly.
I used to stick a wire in an electrical socket --It would throw me, knock me out and i'd get up and do it again.        Again, this was around six years old.  This would later be similar to me trying to make a living bowling, or my first forty years of  relationships.    Every challenge repeated...like it's a dare.Like I felt I was supposed to lose.
 If you do things the same, you will get the same result. Duh.

   Well...that's it for this episode of Get To Know The Author.    Next episode: should 9 year olds read Stephen King, bedwetting adolescence and the popular "but  I was taught we have to get married cause we did that. "


The opinions of Mark Burkenbine do not necessarily reflect those of Mark Burkenbine.









Monday, August 12, 2013

 BREAKING NEWS---Rural, Missouri. 

Today, The ATB reaches its 1000 hit. Sure , some are bots but hey, it almost counts.   I would like to thank  the little people who helped along the way.. ..I almost said ME. (cause I'm short)  Thanks to the ones that support this oddysey, or at least let it go. Everyone else can sit on a ....hmm. Not sure I can say that.    Everyone else can "pound sand".

With a THOUSAND hits in the bag, I am sure I will be moving to the Castskills and doing standup (between movies, of course)  for the rest of my life. ah, bright lights and big cities....

Enjoy your day and your success. 

-Mark Burkenbine

Editors note: at 11:11 The ATB breached the 1000 hit level.  Mark Burkenbine , the man who practically is the ATB  had this to say , "yea...we made it. 1000 hits. Confetti, ticker tape parades...promotional tours. Another couple thousand hits and I am practically a church. Bring on the false idolatry. That's where the money is."
GOOOD Morning everybody.  Let the internet garage sale begin ...If anyone wants used bowling balls and various assorted items, I will be listing on ebay all week, and I do so with PRIDE. ( pkmmab200045t2 is the ebay ID) Enjoy.   

George Hamilton, Pete Sampras and Mark Knopfler celebrate birthdays today. Happy Birthday to all those celebrating today...not as nice a day to the rest of you. The moose lodge will be having a chilli feed soon. There's a lost pit bull that the owner dearly wants back before the destruction and lawsuits pile up. George and Ethel are celebrating there 54th wedding anniversary......It's going to be hot. The crops look ruined  and pork futures are on the rise. ...It's time to mow the lawn  and Dave's hardware can sharpen the blade.

Those people in Washington and our state capitol  we elected don't do a good job....the economy is in the tank....disgruntled in the Middle East, there may be fighting.  Are you taking the family to the fair or the ballgame?


Ah....small town AM radio.   It's like Groundhog Day...

Sunday, August 11, 2013

The scene is an ocean beach, a tropical paradise. A beautiful woman looks at the camera and says "water makes me clean. "  Fade out and back, she says "water makes me wet."  Narrator says " How can something so pure be so-"...cut to the woman drinking water. It drips down her chin and chest and she says in a sultry voice "tasteless" .  Narrator says, "Water- It's tasteless. '"

Attack with an ad campaign like that and it will raise the price of water. Kids will grow up skinny and healthy. But- workers will need more bathroom breaks...and the planet will go dry. Wars may start.


If you need an out of the box view on an ad campaign -
maybe some creative writing-
If you just can't figure out why your business isn't performing-
If you  need some fresh ideas-


Give   All Things Burkenbine  a shot at it.

ATB  creative consultants utilize the "will criticize  for money" diet program. Meaning I will tell you how I see it, not what you want to hear...and I may not be eating if I don't get paid.

All Things Burkenbine  " will Blog for money"

It's all around us.

 Jules Verne.  Nailed it.