Death IS My Kickstarter.

This will be my regular short blog feature and book on how death is making my life start up again.

Good morning.   Hope you all had a wonderful evening.  I would welcome you to my neighborhood, but that is someone else's catchphrase. Besides, not everyone would want a guy that is cheerful about his own death as a neighbor.  

To clear things up, I am not cheerful about dying.  Nor am I trying to cover my feelings of grief with jokes and fake smiles.  

I am genuinely  proud of many decisions lately, and am enjoying life. Not just the good times, I am even enjoying the struggles.  There are always plenty of struggles. 

You see, I have made many bad decisions in my life. Decisions clouded by what I thought was right when I was young, and what someone else expected of me. When you make decisions based on others expectations, it always catches up to you.  If you live life like someone else wants you to, when it goes wrong, it is still all on you.   

I look back to the months before I went to the doctor, and there were many signs of health problems, and I was feeling it.  It showed in my behavior that I felt something was wrong, but I couldn't figure out what it was. Desperation and fear mingled with some pain pulled my strings and made me dance like a puppet. 

When I finally went to the doctor, I quickly found out I did not have a brain tumor. That was my big fear. My mother died at 48 from a sudden bout with brain cancer. I am 46 now, and the thunder in my head was a cause of concern.  As it turns out, my blood pressure was very high.  These things combined can create some anxiety attacks.   

Then the Doc says we need more tests. "You have a thoracic aortic aneurysm. "   

The relief I felt from being told I didn't have a brain tumor did not last very long. 

Joke.    It is Very hard to borrow money when they know you are dying.  If I may borrow a hamburger today, I will gladly repay you on...Nope . Not going to happen.

Next up---Bucket lists. It is nice to do things you always wanted to...you know what is nicer? NOT doing crap  you never wanted to do in the first place

Til next time---Mark Burkenbine

Thanks for your time