If the Roll reversed....when pins attack.

The League.
In a strangely similar place, at a similar time juncture to our own, a series of events happen. A sequence that we of this world would call, odd. Maybe even terrifying.

Picture a roadside diner in a sleepy desert town. Maybe it's Nevada?   You just sat down and are about to order  your evening snack and enjoy some conversation with the locals. It has been a long day of job searching and you need to wind down a bit. Nothing better than a relaxing cup of coffee and pie.

Without warning, there is a high pitched scream from the back corner table of the tiny diner.

Ten "things" that cannot be identified have formed a triangle around the table and appear ready to attack the customers. It is a  young couple ,in there thirties, with their 10 year old daughter... probably just took in a movie at the theatre next door. The evening has definitely taken a turn for the worse.

The father reaches for a steak knife that was between two of the attrocities and one of the monsters smashes his fingers and the other viciously attacks and rips through his wrist. Severed his hand completely off.  The woman screams bloody murder, the daughter is wailing "Daddy, Daddy".

The man's stump of an arm is gushing blood like a fountain.  He can't have much time left, bleeding like that.

The odd shaped creature at the head of the triangle "steps" forward, if you can call that a step. Fangs glistening.  They appear oblong, with smaller heads and round bodies. It is hard to describe how they look, easy to describe there activities tonight.  Bloodthirsty.

The obvious leader growls.  "DO YOU REMEMBER our deal , Lefty? Oh, sorry- I guess you aren't a lefty anymore, are you? So much for that advantage.?

Then, as fast as it had all happened, the man appeared.

He had walked in the door, all quiet and calm.  The restaurant hostess thanked him for arriving so quickly and on short notice, like this was a call to an exterminator.   She pointed towards the "problem" corner.

He was a determined looking individual, to say the least.  Five and a half feet tall, balding, middle aged, and portly. Wearing a short sleeved button-up shirt and shorts, with a knee brace, odd shoes and a brace on his wrist.  On his head was a quarter circle device  and you could hear other metallic noises as he walked.  He moved with a certain balance and grace as he approached the aisle leading to the trouble.

One more thing. There was an orb attached to his hand. The orb seemed to make a noise as it got nearer the .....oh my. Are those things PINS?

The head pin turned, just before it dined on the family mans head. The other pins were biting the woman and child-Just nibbles- until they got the order.

" It looks like he made it." says the head pin.  "the Holy Bowler hisself."

"Back off and step aside, leave these people alone, Head Pin!" announces the man that was just called the Holy Bowler. " you already know how this goes."

The pins form there magic triangle with a thud reminiscent of a military march. They obviously intend to hold there ground.

"We are stronger now, thanks to Lefties sacrificial contribution, and you will ALL DIE NOW, for the good of OUR kind, " dictated the Head Pin.   It was very believable.

Maybe it is time to explain. In this world, Bowling is NOT a game. Those pins are alive and an ancient evil that seem to be getting stronger. The orbs are the ones used by mountain spirits. They are the rumble you hear from the mountain range that make you think of thunder, but it isn't raining.

The bowlers....are not professionals. . They are of an order. A league of Honor. Kegling masters are the knights of the realm ...maybe even mystical creatures.

Once, long ago in a time ALMOST nobody remembers, the pins were made slaves. Bowling was a bloodsport played by fools. Most of the League knew this was a losing proposition.
 Imagine throwing an object at something that can dodge, and fight back....and it is fast, vicious and gets stronger.

That is it for our tale of The League  for this evening.  Watch for more episodes very soon.

Hope it was enjoyable.  Have a good night and above all else, Have some fun.

Mark Burkenbine

Contact me at mburkenbine@gmail.com for details and terms if you wish to copy this material. I, Mark Burkenbine, am the creator of all content on this site. No unauthorized reproduction is allowed.

x 5

Bulletin from the ATB Quality Control Department

Over the last few days, you the viewing public, have been exposed to entire posts about not making a reprint, selling ad space, a video resume, a bad podcast for a decent short story, an odd lunch sandwich, leaving for a job interview,  the trip to the interview , and how the interview went.       Everyday humm drumm stuff like you would find on some social network.   We are putting a stop to that before it gets to posts describing the bowel movements after the bacon, peanut butter, miracle whip and tomato sandwich.

QC is issuing an unprecedented 5 minutes of your life refund for those last posts, and a warning to the author. 5 minutes is a severe penalty to the ATB but shouldn't bankrupt them.( but it is close) One more stretch of below average posts like that and he will have to apply for work at The Scallion or some other magazine named after a vegetable.

Sometimes I think  some of these short posts are made just to work on typing skills. Half the blog almost seems like a drill of some sort.

Yours truly

The QC Department

After running behind schedule due to an almost flat tire and getting gas, I made it to my interview at exactly 9:30 am.    It went wonderfully for me and I actually enjoyed it.    I feel like I can do 10 interviews a day.   Whether I am the best candidate is not my decision.  I just felt like being me and not what I thought would get me hired.   Life gets easier if you are yourself.   I applied for a job requiring a good driving record,  long drives. And  loading  50 pound boxes.     I can provide that service beautifully and still accomplish what I want  in my life.  

Then I go to do my field service work order and it turns out to be a condo with no apartment number.
Short day so far.....isn't this exciting?

Keeping your entertainment needs as our top priority

Mark Burkenbine- ATB



P.S.  -- No I did not get the job.

Well, today the ATB ventures out into the real world for a job interview and do some field service work.

I have to support my blogging habit that is supposed to support the darn novel or it will never get finished.  I do need the lights on to accomplish that, I suppose.

Lets see if anything exciting happens. My track record says the improbable and not- thought- of -to- most will happen somewhere in the course of the day. We shall see...



Thank you for your time--Mark Burkenbine

Podcast

For those that do not believe in Heaven....Happy Place on a Heart Shaped Plate.

Nothing In nature can surpass the total flavor explosion of the Bacon, Tomato, Miracle Whip and Peanut Butter sandwich.   You cannot look away, can you Foodies?   You know it wants you...

After a rough day of the stress and pressures of blogging,*   nothing takes the sting off quite like this nutritious snack. I cannot wait 'til I deep fry one with banana and honey.

* blogging is defined as unemployed, under employed and/or  self employed

Due to scheduling conflicts with life events and projects (trying to make some money)--There will be no Classic REPOST Thursday. That is right.  I don't even feel like putting on a rerun.

 If anyone would like to sponsor posts or be a balloon sponsor for this blog or the entire All Things Burkenbine project list,  contact me at mburkenbine@gmail.com.  Cash, check, credit, or barter system.  ( Live animal trades cannot be accepted parcel post. Soups accepted but not canned minestrone)

Samuel L Jackson---This is your chance to break into the big time at the ground floor.

Warren Buffett--  Dude, I like cheeseburgers also, and I think long term. Look at how long it took me to start a  project I wanted to do 20 years ago.

Bowling Industry? Pro Shops? Tournament Directors?   Small Business Owners?    The ATB consultants have a keen knowledge of  your special circumstances and have many suggestions to offer to help your business march happily into the future.

We may break in LIVE to bring you up to date on the action as ATB producers see fit.  Your entertainment is obviously our TOP priority.

Thank you for your time.

All Things Burkenbine.
Brighten you day.   Or Not

Feel the Cheese!

Thank you for your time--Mark Burkenbine

For those that can't get the video to play on you phone, use this link to YOUTUBE or go to the Mark Burkenbine channel at Youtube.  

 Yaks and yeti Podcast trial. Warning; Hack at work. No corrections have been made yet. I apologize for the accent :)

      So....we are setting in the living room of our two bedroom cave in the Himalayas, enjoying a few cold brews and cold pizza.  We are watching the Yeti chase the Yaks around in the valley just off the deck. Yes, we have a wager on who wins.  I says to Salman, "so what did you do to end up here? "

He replies, "well....I am a writer. A well educated man that created a well written book that was badly received by an entire religious sect.  I fear for my life constantly, and I can never let my guard down. I have been condemned by an entire way of life and there is a price on my head."

He tosses his beer bottle into the fire, and takes another bite of Pizza,( can you believe we found an all night delivery in the Himalayas...that was awesome.) 

"What, my new friend, ...what the hell did you do?"

I picked off the anchovies and black olives off my side of the loaded combo #7 w/ original crust.  

"Well....I  led my entire life like a Rube Goldberg machine. Did the easiest things the hardest way possible."

"How does that get you here?"  he says while burping like a college freshman.

I replied,   "Well...I decided honesty was the best policy. I decided there are things in my life that need fixed. I decided I needed a new profession and that I liked to write and create things. I am an odd person and following others doesn't seem to be a strong point.  I wanted to get paid to be me."

"an admirable ambition. I commend you " he says. "But..?"

Here we go.  Crap , that's the last beer.  Man, other than the pizza guy, there is nothing out here. This may be the most isolated spot on earth. Looks like the Yeti won again, but didn't beat the spread.  It's a sucker bet. Yeti always win, but Yaks run out the clock.  Salman pays for the beer and pizza again.

I finish my story. "  I wrote some very honest essays. Put it on this thing called BLOG.  A few people saw them.  Now, I owed money to some but money is what I am trying to make out of this eventually, so my argument with them is look...I am BROKE and trying to fix that. I cannot make enough at my job anymore, so it is time to find a new job."

Salman says " dude you are long winded, get to the point. If you owe money and the collectors aren't what you are worried about, what the Hell got you worried enough to be in the middle of freakin' nowhere?"

I said , " Chill out. Man you get edgy after losing a bet. Just once, take the Yaks and the point."

I continue, "  I wrote some personal stuff down , about my kids, about my views on life ( Salmans  left brow lifts from under his doo rag).  "and", he says?

"Well, I may have mentioned some exes or eluded to one or two. " I mutter, " and there may be an angry old girlfriend with an angry Lesbian aquaintance."

Salman takes the beer out from where he had been saving it for a needed occasion and bites the cap off. I keep telling him those are twist offs.

"dude" he says, " I have been chased around the world by a people that are relentlessly  chasing me to avenge their GOD, and you....are screwed. It is time for you to go."

Mumbles something about me being there for a month, they must be onto me, time for a new identity again, maybe Atlantis?.,,angry lesbians.....

welcome to my world!

---Mark Burkenbine

Perfect Speed

Perfect speed
 is when you have time
for something good to happen
- after things have gone all wrong

If you are still breathing
maybe it's a sign
telling you to fix
- what's gone on to long

I've got my share of issues
but it's not all about me
 doesn't every man want to do all he can
to help  his family

I've turned down this road before
it all seems familiar
so far in debt , but no reason to give up yet
or to pass on your responsibility
(I knew I should've turned left at Albuquerque)

A few times in my life
I've had a pain in my chest
I was sure I was going to die
& the bills are not what you think about
--surprise surprise

Doctor said it's gas
This to, shall pass
Love is about living, loving
& never saying goodbyes

Perfect speed
 is when you have time
for something good to happen
after things have gone all wrong

if you're still breathing
It is a sign
telling you to fix
what has gone on to long


Thank you for your time

written and owned by Mark Burkenbine copyright Aug 28 2013

Introduction Audio Link Trial Run.    This is definitely a work in progress.

Echo....Echoooo. ArGh. Embedded player won't work, and there is echoooo and twang.  I bet the players work on Wordpress.

Enjoy them thar smooth stylin's.

That is my boring power point voice.  I personally don't like power point and pie charts as a means of communication. I relate more to the pictures the speaker is drawing in my mind.  I have learned over the last month that visual communication is a much stronger medium for many.

I said power point, is anyone else asleep out there?

The entire goal of this project is to put together as good a total media package as possible while spending close to zero.  So far , the tab is $25.  Until that particular audio issue, it was fairly smooth.

---Mark Burkenbine

All Things Burkenbine. Developing whatever skills necessary to succeed, not just survive.

30 days in a row. That's how long I had been driving all the way across town to air up my leaky tire. It is the only place that has the free air pump. Everywhere else charges a dollar, and I can't stand to pay for air.

Yesterday, I didn't have time to go out of my way to air it up. I went to the closer gas station and grudgingly shelled out the dollar.

Today, I didn't have to air it up.  The question is finally answered.   That other store gives away the crappy air free and the premium  one dollar air works.


-Mark Burkenbine

Yes, we here AT the ATB  really like our coffee and offer full disclosure. There may be a caffeine problem.                             Not much to hide here.

Sprayed by a skunk.  Hit a deer at 70 mph.  The fun, the fantasy and the consequences of crazy eyed women . I have hit a parked semi, a bridge, and a car next door.  The idiocy that leads me to find out about my red ink allergy (some things SHOULD leave a mark so I must accept this) The couch in the middle of downtown traffic. The head in the ditch as the trooper waved me to pass the accident on the highway. The wrong way car on the interstate 3 different times.
 Antifreeze, copper , medicine and other chemical reactions.

I hit a bat and it was stuck in my windshield wipers. (anyone can hit a deer)

The year my taxes were turned in with the decimal in the wrong place- computer dies- dog dies- and daughter breaks arm skating-all in a day or so.
I have had the power go out during a bowling tournament I was doing well in twice.
I had the lightbulb explode in the pin area over my lane at a tournament, spraying fine glass over the entire 10 lane center. I think I struck ....
I have had a radiator cap imprint 'do not remove while hot' in my forehead. Got 2nd degree burns on my hand  out of that one.
I have seen a trombone case fly out my closed back window while I was getting in the drivers seat.

 I saw my dog run over in front of me. The crazy grandma stories. I climbed things but I was afraid of heights, leading to many a trip to the emergency room. I'd get my head stuck in the gate. At 4 I ran away and fell asleep in neighbors boat- search party ensues.  Stuck things in electrical sockets often.

Do not spit on anyone-it is wrong to do and  you have NO IDEA how far reaching the consequences can be.

The alligator in the lake that nobody believed was there.

A thousand stories of  various hotel, travel ,bowling, work and life's oddities in general.    My life may be a little fuller than I thought.

I now enjoy an occasional moment of boredom.

--Mark Burkenbine

Looking back over my life, I think of the memorable moments. Here is just one.

I was walking home one night, in town, and was sprayed by a skunk. I was 15, and it was 2 am.  I heard a rustling noise next to the sidewalk, and I yelled at the little dog I thought was going to bite me. Then something odd happened. It ran across my feet and I heard  "phisht phisht"  and I was sprayed in the face and body, point blank. Then I realized that may not have been a dog. I screamed bloody murder, even chased it.  Eyes were burning. Nose was burning. Mouth was burning.

I walked another 15 blocks to a store my friend worked at. I opened the door and the wind came up behind me....and everyone in that gas station was yelling at me to get out and close the door.  A police officer asked me (from a distance) what I was doing out waaay past curfew.  The officer  couldn't decide whether  to laugh or vomit, so he had my friend call my mother to come get me.  

During all of this, I couldn't smell it.  I didn't understand...it had done something to my sense of smell. I guess that's what happens when you are hit in the face with it.   Overall, there must be worse things to be hit in the face with.  Everyone has there preferences and a moment in time when they decide where their line is.  For me, skunk is still preferable to some other options.

My mother arrived, and started yelling at me from the car and then it hit her.  Vomit was the option she took. She then rolled all the windows down and made me sit in the back. "oh my God, damn, oh my God" she chanted all the way home.

I think she wanted me in the trunk but the officer was looking from a safe distance.   Glad mom went to church, cause I think at that point in time, the officer would've looked the other way. If he found a pontiac in the country with two holes in the trunk ,buried in a landfill, he would've testified on her behalf with sympathy for the condition.

They all had that dead to me look, like I did something to them they wouldn't ever be able to wash off. It is a look I have seen several times in my life.

I was still pissed when I was told to take my clothes off in the garage, and wrap up in the old towels. She wanted me wrapped head to toe in dry towels to dampen the smell on my way downstairs. I guess to keep the smell from permeating through the house.  This did not work. The tomato juice was already in the shower in the basement.  Why was I being persecuted by everyone?  I scrubbed and scrubbed, but it was a month before that smell faded.  Mom went to work the next day, exhausted. At least she said she went to work. She may have just got the hell out of the house that she tried so hard to keep clean.

I knew when we got that new house with the white carpet that it was trouble.

Now the house smelled of skunk, and I don't know how long it was like that.  Kids picked on me forever, but they always picked on me. No big deal. Kids can be cruel. It is a good thing I grew up being a forgiving person.

Bastards.

I, to this day, do not find the smell of skunk offensive at all.  I  can tell you how many there are and what county they are in based on the strength and direction of the wind.

Kids!  Be home by curfew. Things CAN happen.

or maybe it's just me?

Have a good morning and Thank you for your time.

Mark Burkenbine

Gooooood morning loyal reader, friend, enemies,family member , ex's,  stray internet surfers,  debt collectors, bot sites and neighboring home owner association members.  Hope all is well.

A few years ago this book comes out and seems to make a lot of men happy.  Some guy named Ray or something is the character, spreads joy wherever he goes.   Does it bother anyone that, thanks to Ray, everyone else is thinkin' ....there must be ,50 ways to do your mother?  Slipping out the back ,Jack- may not mean the same thing as it used to.

or maybe it does.

time to lighten up and have a good day

Mark Burkenbine

mark in the middle episode 1

Live, from the spare bedroom office of an undisclosed location, Where a man strives for the highest levels of mediocrity in all facets of life....here he is, The Heart of The Mighty Middle---Mark Burkenbine.
Thank ya very much...how's the weather in your neighborhood?  Ours is just peachy.   My neighbors just put out the birdseed and there are deer in the valley.   Hope your health is good.  I may have to go see someone soon for some bloodwork.  Darn doctors and the healthcare issues.  I am for a nationwide healthcare system, just afraid of how corrupt it could be.  Can anything be more corrupt than an insurance company deciding how you are going to be covered?   Isn't an insurance company really a bookmaker deciding the line and always hedging towards improving the house profits?    How on earth is that a legal and trustworthy business? How did the respected and honorable field of health care get caught up in that?
Granted,  in general, I can't stand big government and its meddling. But in its pure sense, our government is us. For the people and by the people.  Of all the businesses out there-our roads, our education, our health care and justice system should be under government. Not private industry for profit.    That is, again, if we believed the government is for the people and by the people.

Just questions.  Hope nobody is upset.  Did  you enjoy your breakfast?  I just had peanut butter toast and coffee. No pie for me today.


Thank you for your time

Mark Burkenbine

mark in the middle episode 2

A very large portion of my life has been on the road.  Detours, vehicle problems and cancelled reservations are old hat. So are family and health issues.   A change of direction as the road in front of me changes is no big deal.

During my travels I have listened to many a political talk show. Lots of left and right. Lots of Extreme left and right.   Not a whole lot of actual sensibility on these shows...just lots of passion. Passion finds you an audience for you to entertain.   Passion by itself does not get extreme legislation turned into law.

But the passionate ones are loud and make a presence known. Everyone can see and feel the emotion.  They write more letters to the elected officials. They try to get things done one way or another, but they can't succeed.

I want to start a show about the Mighty Middle.   The passionate people on the left and right can scream til they are blue in the face, but they cannot win anything. Not Really.   The middle controls everything, it just takes a lot to get there attention. Everything is no big deal until the 300 Million in the middle decide it is.  Moderation wins until everyone is pissed. When everyone is upset, then there is fighting in the streets.  Everywhere.

I am from the middle of the country. My political leaning is like a flag blowing in the wind. I listen to the arguments and pay attention. I am right up the middle.  Heck, my middle is even getting larger. Must be the pie.

The middle is often accused of having a short attention span. Attention deficit disorder. It cannot fixate. The reality is the middle  just doesn't care. The argument was not persuasive enough or based on enough fact. It was a passion play. The passionate ones stamp there feet and have a hissy fit, as they pack there clothes and plan to run away.

The fight is with the extremes. The middle laughs at the entertainment of it all, or gets angry for a moment then laughs at the tug of war.  Then, just before it gets crazy, The Mighty Middle becomes the Angry Middle.  The MIddle is what puts the foot down and stops the insanity.  Nothing changes until the middle says it must change.

I am going to finish my pie and my cup of coffee and mow the lawn.  That would be my show. Callers can call in and talk about the crazy talk on the other show, and then we can talk about the difference and the upsides of apple pie, as opposed to rhubarb.   Coffee. That will be where the conversation will get heated.  Straight black or with cream? Chain coffee shop or local? Make it at home or drive thru?  Brazillian or Seattle?   My goodness, that would be exciting. I would then have to ask if they water the plants in the evening or in the morning?

Have a good one

Thank you for your time--Mark Burkenbine