https://soundcloud.com/mark-burkenbine/virtual-comedy
And as the audience watches the usual pictures of the drive up to the show location, the lighting changes and they realize this stage looks a little different.
Slogans for Sale. Our prize slogan is Feelings of Discomfort: Sorry about that Rash. I want to get into greeting cards.
And as the audience watches the usual pictures of the drive up to the show location, the lighting changes and they realize this stage looks a little different.
My stage looks like it has a border around it, looking like a giant web browser. and in the middle of the stage there is a desk with a laptop, and a web cam facing them....
A live show, but making everyone feel at home. A live show with a virtual feel to it. No needless reality has to be involved. Why even risk it anymore?
I open with many pictures and stories from my blog flashing on screens as I begin an evening of telling jokes, sharing insights , singing songs and portraying a few characters in skits. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life.
"It is hard enough to succeed, anyway. If you fail at something someone else's way, It is still on you.
Do things your way."
" This lady asks me "Did you know a walrus has a three foot flat dick?" and I say "wow, 3 feet. but how did it get flat? and she says...."arr arr arr " as she mimics a walrus and his flippers flopping together about waist high.
Slogans for Sale. Our prize slogan is Feelings of Discomfort: Sorry about that Rash. I want to get into greeting cards.
"When I look into my wife's eyes in the morning, I see greatness looking back at me. It is humbling and inspring. And then I go write, and the funniest word I can think of everyday, is douchebag."
"Don't put your butt in the barbeque sauce. speaking of edibles, why on earth is bbq scent not a cologne or perfume fragrance. It is like those companies are afraid of money. Or...are they afraid of out of control population growth?"
"30 Years since 1984. What were you doing when you realized Orwell was an optimist."
"I lost custody of my right testicle in the divorce. I see it every other weekend and a few holidays..I even wrote a little song about it. "
I am doing this because I get a sense of family from the audience. Example...a heckler yells 'you bum..you suck. Get a job' and I am like, squinting, trying to see....'Dad, is that you?'. I assume everybody has that voice in their head telling you what to do, or not to do. Mine has feet. May have a face also, but I only saw the feet...my voice wears boots...family is everything. And it NEVER goes away. ...
It's also why I have a special bond with debt collectors. Sometimes I pick up the phone when they call...just for that warm , special message...'we missed your payment this month'...ah, they miss me. Then they tell me to get a job just like family would.
I may be the only guy out there who has tried to use debt collectors to increase his social media footprint. I know they were the only ones following me on the internet...I was like, hey....can you at least like me, leave a good review? Share something funny? I want to pay that bill, ya know?...can you help with the marketing?...no dice.
as previously mentioned today and everyday, our special word is Douchebag.
If you walk into a room, take a look around, and don't see a douchebag...My ex wife would still say It is me. I don't even have to be in the room in question.
Gravy trains derail.
Song. ( every time I drive away/ strength)
I love those small business video contests. Can you imagine the submissions they do not let anyone see?
Skit. Setting is a man with a porn mustache, sitting at the desk in front of the camera.
A small business owner is creating a video to try to win a small business grant for his struggling business. He has to tell a little about his business and how it could help his business.
Speaking calmly and straight forward....here we go.
"Hello. I am submitting this video in hopes of winning the small business grant. Here at ONE MAN SHOW, we produce adult content entertainment for the enjoyment of other adults. What I would do with the money? I would perhaps buy a years supply of lotions. The chaffing is killing me. Maybe get some health insurance, get this tennis elbow taken care of. maybe even hire a female actor or two. Call it ONE MAN TWO WOMEN show. That could greatly increase my revenues. Thank you for your time. -skit over.-
My wife and I are of very different cultures. I am from Salina Kansas, she is from Salem Missouri. To those not educated in the ways of these peoples, it is very simple. She is Hill people, and she refers to my folk as Flatlanders. ( I am not Scottish, but I do believe there should be only one) Where she is from, they live among the trees like they are supposed to be there. Where I am from , we know exactly what the term breezy mean. It is gusts to 35 MPH like it is supposed to be. We know where wind comes from. Where she is from, half a tree laying in your yard after a slight storm is a natural occurence. Where I am from, we are trained from birth to pick up any and all twigs as part of a ritual training program, much like some children will start playing baseball at the age of five. It is an attempt to satisfy our parents fantasy that their child will someday become the professional that they could not. Let me explain....
ON a drive through Salina, I watched as my wife mocked my people while she was also in shock and awe...that after a small wind burst, there were suddenly dozens, maybe hundreds of people picking up small twigs in seemingly every yard. Young children, some were just babies, being shown by adults how to pick up the twigs properly. ---Older children, perhaps earning their allowance---and to my surprise, many young and older adults wearing bright colored shirts, working in crews....all picking up twigs and small limbs. At businesses, at pricier homes, middle class homes...the twigs get picked clean off the grass of all homes, regardless of income and status.
( she was right, I wish I had footage)
It all clicked. All these years I thought I was being punished , being told to get out there and pick up the sticks....I was just being a pawn in a game bigger than me....It was like children of the corn or something.....
I was being groomed as a Professional Twig and Limb removal specialist, and I missed my calling. All those hours being trained by my Parents, Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents....and I dropped the ball. Just like baseball and all the other sports.
It was right there and I didn't see it. I could have been one of the best. Maybe a Hall of Famer.
Or maybe the crops would be better and a virgin or drifter spared?
you would have to see this.
What is the best experience you ever had on the Internet ? RULES- Cannot involve ejaculation or climax. I know, makes you think doesn't it?
Goal to be the most successful homeless man in history. Would settle to be in the elite top 1%. Maybe start a new wage class, the millionaire homeless.
I will do some research. My suspicion is there are some VERY successful former homeless people.
Do gypsies count as homeless? Criminals don't count, either.
Be all you can be. Tear down the walls. In the meantime, I now have gas to get to my daughters graduation. Time to put on the big boy pants and find some work to pay car insurance.
Over a lifetime, if every good person helped 100 others..... Just think about that. THink about it, do it ..hold yourself accountable. 100 people in a lifetime.
So I always had this strange birthmark with this dark foreboding look and feel to it. I was once asked if that is where my body swallowed up my twin in the womb. Nah, I said, I was at least two when that happened...
----Break.-----
Songs.....Deadbeat I didn't want to be/ 30 Days of Change( Last song on album at 10:49)
What's your porn name? Pet name and street you lived on. After passing on Ruffy Rural Route 1, I went with Blackie South 11th.
I have heard the rumblings of the passers by, and I am always surprised how many take MY life out of context.
You know how , when you and your friends are setting around the bar feeling bad for yourselves, and that one l
oser comes in and makes you all feel better about yourselves...I have never seen that guy so it must be me.
I think that makes me a Self Esteem Motivational Specialist. I just stand next to you and you feel good- but not for too long though.
That would be creepy.
It's my way of helping others.
I want to be in wikipedia, so I started a campaign.
I've got BIG TWITS. Make me one of the 140 characters of your life.
ah, the social media candyman makes the world taste good.
I am my own social media manager. Kill me.
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Several real stories rehashed from Amy and amalgamated into one. It seems damn near anyone can get a handicap tag if they whine to a doctor. It's become a standard practice. To those that have to justify your need for the tag---that means you don't need it. You wanted to park closer to the door for convenience. I'd like to do a show about this phenomena called 'Guess That Disability'. We park outside and wait for the handicap parking spots to fill. Watch the assortment of NOT DISABLED people who jump out of the car, or the family members who use the tag to get the good parking place. This may be a little harsh...but come on. I have an operational size Thoracic Aortic Aneurysm, and I can't be listed as disabled until it rips. If it rips , I will die. but you can have a skin rash or be sore and get disability?
which brings me to my next tunes, Dying since the day you were born. also Little Victories.
Have a good one, and thanks for your time
This is not the entire show. I have several other bits worked into it, visuals....but a good example.
of course, I video'd the audience. Guess that makes it an audience selfie.
all jokes and content provided by me ....I was told a version of the walrus joke 25 years ago by several people.
Mark Burkenbine
copyright 2014
July 1 , 2014
ah, Virtual Comedy. Wouldn't it be fantastic if you could get on the computer, punch your credit card number into a website, and you got a house full of comedians ready to make you laugh 24-7?
"so what kind of joke are you into, Joe? Let me take you into my personal lounge where I will make you chuckle with delight. so, How much did you pay? " " We don't do laugh dances."
"You want Dirty Sanchez? oh, he is first on over at the Cleveland Steamer comedy club. He doesn't do private shows. "
ON a drive through Salina, I watched as my wife mocked my people while she was also in shock and awe...that after a small wind burst, there were suddenly dozens, maybe hundreds of people picking up small twigs in seemingly every yard. Young children, some were just babies, being shown by adults how to pick up the twigs properly. ---Older children, perhaps earning their allowance---and to my surprise, many young and older adults wearing bright colored shirts, working in crews....all picking up twigs and small limbs. At businesses, at pricier homes, middle class homes...the twigs get picked clean off the grass of all homes, regardless of income and status.
( she was right, I wish I had footage)
It all clicked. All these years I thought I was being punished , being told to get out there and pick up the sticks....I was just being a pawn in a game bigger than me....It was like children of the corn or something.....
I was being groomed as a Professional Twig and Limb removal specialist, and I missed my calling. All those hours being trained by my Parents, Aunts and Uncles, Grandparents....and I dropped the ball. Just like baseball and all the other sports.
It was right there and I didn't see it. I could have been one of the best. Maybe a Hall of Famer.
Or maybe the crops would be better and a virgin or drifter spared?
you would have to see this.
What is the best experience you ever had on the Internet ? RULES- Cannot involve ejaculation or climax. I know, makes you think doesn't it?
Goal to be the most successful homeless man in history. Would settle to be in the elite top 1%. Maybe start a new wage class, the millionaire homeless.
I will do some research. My suspicion is there are some VERY successful former homeless people.
Do gypsies count as homeless? Criminals don't count, either.
Be all you can be. Tear down the walls. In the meantime, I now have gas to get to my daughters graduation. Time to put on the big boy pants and find some work to pay car insurance.
Over a lifetime, if every good person helped 100 others..... Just think about that. THink about it, do it ..hold yourself accountable. 100 people in a lifetime.
So I always had this strange birthmark with this dark foreboding look and feel to it. I was once asked if that is where my body swallowed up my twin in the womb. Nah, I said, I was at least two when that happened...
----Break.-----
Songs.....Deadbeat I didn't want to be/ 30 Days of Change( Last song on album at 10:49)
What's your porn name? Pet name and street you lived on. After passing on Ruffy Rural Route 1, I went with Blackie South 11th.
I have heard the rumblings of the passers by, and I am always surprised how many take MY life out of context.
You know how , when you and your friends are setting around the bar feeling bad for yourselves, and that one l
oser comes in and makes you all feel better about yourselves...I have never seen that guy so it must be me.
I think that makes me a Self Esteem Motivational Specialist. I just stand next to you and you feel good- but not for too long though.
That would be creepy.
It's my way of helping others.
I want to be in wikipedia, so I started a campaign.
I've got BIG TWITS. Make me one of the 140 characters of your life.
ah, the social media candyman makes the world taste good.
I am my own social media manager. Kill me.
.jpg)
.jpg)
Several real stories rehashed from Amy and amalgamated into one. It seems damn near anyone can get a handicap tag if they whine to a doctor. It's become a standard practice. To those that have to justify your need for the tag---that means you don't need it. You wanted to park closer to the door for convenience. I'd like to do a show about this phenomena called 'Guess That Disability'. We park outside and wait for the handicap parking spots to fill. Watch the assortment of NOT DISABLED people who jump out of the car, or the family members who use the tag to get the good parking place. This may be a little harsh...but come on. I have an operational size Thoracic Aortic Aneurysm, and I can't be listed as disabled until it rips. If it rips , I will die. but you can have a skin rash or be sore and get disability?which brings me to my next tunes, Dying since the day you were born. also Little Victories.
Have a good one, and thanks for your time
This is not the entire show. I have several other bits worked into it, visuals....but a good example.
of course, I video'd the audience. Guess that makes it an audience selfie.
all jokes and content provided by me ....I was told a version of the walrus joke 25 years ago by several people.
Mark Burkenbine
copyright 2014
July 1 , 2014
ah, Virtual Comedy. Wouldn't it be fantastic if you could get on the computer, punch your credit card number into a website, and you got a house full of comedians ready to make you laugh 24-7?
"so what kind of joke are you into, Joe? Let me take you into my personal lounge where I will make you chuckle with delight. so, How much did you pay? " " We don't do laugh dances."
"You want Dirty Sanchez? oh, he is first on over at the Cleveland Steamer comedy club. He doesn't do private shows. "
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