If you were going to write an autobiography, what would you put in it? I've been going over my mess for awhile...and it may actually be an interesting read. The problem is, who wants to read  'Joe Schmoe Tells His Story'?   'The life of Mark Burkenbine' probably doesn't sell book one.  I would probably title it  'My Ass is Feeling Squishy, I Hope My Hemorrhoid Didn't Bust--The Trials and Tribulations of Mark Burkenbine'.  I still don't think that's getting me on Oprah's book list. I am not sure what I would have to lie about to get it on the bestseller list.

    I do remember damn near everything in my life. I was born in '68 and remember my brother coming home from the hospital in '70.  I climbed everything and fell or someone had to get a ladder . I loved to climb but was afraid of heights. ...Hmm. (mental note, this may have been a sign of things to come)
Clumsy and awkward,bike wrecks and falls. So many trips to the E.R.  Sooo many stitches.   I talked a lot and told a lot of jokes. Even as a kid nobody laughed.   My audience has never appreciated great talent.   It's easier to see the problem with everyone else as you get older but I had this skill at six years old.

   I was the kid who stuck his head through the fence gate and got his ears stuck on the way back out. Repeatedly.
I used to stick a wire in an electrical socket --It would throw me, knock me out and i'd get up and do it again.        Again, this was around six years old.  This would later be similar to me trying to make a living bowling, or my first forty years of  relationships.    Every challenge repeated...like it's a dare.Like I felt I was supposed to lose.
 If you do things the same, you will get the same result. Duh.

   Well...that's it for this episode of Get To Know The Author.    Next episode: should 9 year olds read Stephen King, bedwetting adolescence and the popular "but  I was taught we have to get married cause we did that. "


The opinions of Mark Burkenbine do not necessarily reflect those of Mark Burkenbine.