Feelings of Discomfort by Burkenbine

Traditional gifts for  untraditional sentiments.  We all have our Feelings  of Discomfort, why dodge it?  

Unforgettable moments and special issues need cards also.  

Topics include:

Thinking of you

 for neighbors or co workers  -  I see you almost everyday and I really don't like you at all, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Hope things work out for you and your family.

 for the Ex.....I can still feel your love. It burns when I pee.

Thank you notes

Thanks for making dinner. Have you seen sparky?

For your doctor.  Prostate exam--  I'm not sure of the protocol, but , can we be friends?

Wedding

Congratulations!  It will work this time

Memories

Hunting/camping/road trip

"Hey, remember when you drank my spit cup?"

"Hey , remember when you drank my pee cup?"

Apologies

 I didn't know my webcam was on.   Um, I got hacked.  

Infidelity

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue

your real father is the milkman

"Her name is  (insert stripper name), I was drunk.  I don't think I used the babymaker..."

and many other traditional and miscellaneous uncomfortable  topics to choose from. Such as...

"So, is your daughter 21?"

"So , is your wife happily married?"

Same sex--"are you happily married?"

Same sex--"So, I saw you in the restroom. you want to be friends?"

After death of spouse

"Did you have insurance? Would you like to have dinner?  Too soon?"

My personal favorite-

"Honey, that is really hot. Is that a new vibrator?"       "No dear, I found it in that dresser your mother gave us. "

"Nice to meet you. What is your porn name?"

-Slogans can be customized.   Next time you have a Feeling of Discomfort, let it fester a little and pass it around.   

Life is good.

The previous information is a real business that occasionally uses real jokes.  

Mark Burkenbine sometimes is Blackie South Eleventh.   I had a choice of Blackie South 11th, or Ruffie Rural Route 1 for a porn name.

mburkenbine@gmail.com  for information on how to place orders.   

In Karma's Web

The scene is an old downtown cafe in Little Town U.S.A.   The cafe is bustling during Saturday breakfast, with the waitresses skillfully navigating the plates  between the booths and tables, even with the occasional foot sticking out in the aisle.

Ham, eggs, bacon and sausage seem to be on every plate, with eggs, of course.

In the middle of the dining area are two farmers discussing next seasons crops and of course, planning for their  livestock entries into the state fair.

They are enjoying their time together, discussing old fair victories over coffee, breakfast and the newspaper.

What they don't realize is the sudden quiet and emptiness of the cafe.

Shift to the taller building across the street and you will see a sight you indeed would not be looking for.  A short pig is climbing the fire ecape. A pig with an eye patch, a black trench coat and a snipers rifle.  Clearly mercenary in nature, but with a deep conviction  for this particular job.

In the cafe, the two gentlemen look around and realize they are alone, except for a large old rat in a very stylish leather overcoat and beret.  The rat is in the corner booth, and says in a mocking tone," you know I found the pesticides in her corner. "

The farmer nervously says," I don't know what you are talking about. It was natural causes."

The rat says, " Willie, he did not take kindly to the news. He was grateful for what you did for him, even though you ate his Uncle. He had been in the Sudan for quite some time, but found time to come back home.   By the way, you should finish those hashbrowns. One more bite of bacon and this may not be as clean as planned"

The farmers got up and came toward the well dressed rat.  He calmly spoke the word "clear" into his cell phone and it was over. Two shots.

The rat finished the toast and hashbrowns , smiled his big toothed smile and said to the corpses "Salutations, bitches."

The pig and the rat drive away, a last wish fulfilled.

 The final  message in the web was 'Avenge Me!'.

--Mark Burkenbine

Written 11/12/13 by Mark Burkenbine  copyright 2013

Marketing to Zombies: Opportunity exists.

Marketing and Sales to Zombies. There is always an opportunity for someone.

In a study of Zombies, corporate research has shown that they like bright pink and purple. It calms them, as does disco music.
They are efficient at slow moving, repetitive motions. Factory shift work has begun in many sectors.
When the walls of the factory are painted pink and purple, with disco dance music playing through speakers, productivity rates continue to soar.
In this situation, training for all mundane tasks can begin.

Feed them human beef, made from the homeless. The homeless rate will skyrocket as humans are either eaten or the virus mutates them.  Pay them less than you do the illegal immigrants, but feed them better. The ten year food supply looks to be stocked well.

They will quickly create their own monetary and social systems and individual herds to market products to.   Soon they will have their own entertainment and fashion industry to occupy their free time between work shifts.

The bright pink and purple fashion industry will explode. Snazzy preppy outfits of this color will be desired by mummies and zombies alike, but they will be necessities for humans that want to stay off the menu.

 Expect music groups from the 70's and 80's to make huge comebacks.

A Zombie Apocalypse is a marketers dream.  But, so are all forms of Apocalypse.  Before Jesus walks the earth again, there would be 4 Hor$emen trading cards. There would be T shirts of a horseman holding his crotch with a slogan of  " I got your Apocalypse right here, baby."

In the meantime, Zombies become a powerful political faction, but they look down on werewolves and vampires.   These creatures have a bias against Zombies as well.   To a Werewolf or Vampire, Zombies offer no nutritional value. Zombies are the junk food,  the high fructose corn syrup of prey.  They move so temptingly slow, but they taste bad, they smell bad....yet, somehow you can't eat just one.
After a generation of eating Zombies, the vampires and werewolves get slow and fat.  Their eyes bug out , skin itches and they get testy.  Now the market for substance abuse centers for eating zombies opens up. There will be 12 step programs.

Opportunity is everywhere, all the time.

Happy Halloween

Mark Burkenbine
www.allthingsburkenbine.com

First, let us play a game called find the Spelling and punctuation errors.Report each one in the comments. Person who gets the most errors is the honorary unpaid editer of this mess called All Things Burkenbine.     I will not fix broken sentences.

Anybody want to be in the All Things Burkenbine Fan Club?  That seems to be a burden and a curse only those marked from birth should share, but if you want a fan club, here you go.

Don't forget my shameless begging for someone to turn in a Wikipedia entry for me , Mark Burkenbine,
Remember my campaign slogan.
Mark Burkenbine. Put me in Wikipedia. I've got BIG TWITS: Make me one of the 140 characters of your life.
You would think one of those debt collectors could make this happen.

Am I the only one who has ever tried to use debt collectors as part of my marketing campaign? You would think I could get them to unite and round me up some customers.

Have a great day, and thank you for your time.

Hugo the Agnostic Cowboy and  his compatriot, the Atheist Heinrich.

Heinrich

Each episode our two hero's discuss the difference between being Agnostic and Atheist.   Hugo speaks in a very distinct ,male German- ish dialect known all through the land as "I will rule the world speak". Heinrich speech will vary. It could be no accent at all and be American female. Many episodes will have Hugo refer to Heinrich as a typical male Atheist, to which Heinrich will reply with american female voice, "God Dammit I am not an atheist.".  Heinrich then replies, "tsk tsk. You Atheists don't believe in anything. "

In every episode,there is a scene where Heinrich and Hugo are setting in a bar. Hugo is always in those assless chaps , cowboy boots, shirt and hat.  Heinrich is always asking" is this where a burly popular country singer from Oklahoma beats us soundly like we enjoy so much? Please?  " 

At the end of every Episode, Heinrich is in bed, in the dark and you hear Heinrich say to Hugo questioningly (Hugo is in another room--they are just compatriots, after all)  

" Hugo, are the professional bowlers ok?"

Hugo replies " I am sure they are fine.

 Heinrich " They are soo strong. They deserve to make more money"

Hugo" If you say so. Goodnight."

The hit comedy-musical cartoon comic book live radio show' Hugo, the Agnostic Cowboy' coming to a theater near you.

Thank you for your time

Mark Burkenbine

Put me on Wikipedia

Big Twits: Make me one of the 140 characters of your life

Hugo the Agnostic Cowboy coming soon.copyright Mark Burkenbine 2013

Big Twits: Let me be one of the 140 characters of your life.
Don't forget to make a wikipedia entry for me
Mark Burkenbine

The early years of All Things Burkenbine.

Beginning with nothing. Well , let us call it considerably less than nothing if you include all possible debt. It is not quite as easy as it sounds.  It is the definition of starting over, but trying to do things right.  By the way, trying to do things 'right' is not as easy as it sounds, either.

'Right'. The right way. Seems like absolutely everyone has a different definition of 'right'. Some believe 'right' means successful. That is another one of those elusive terms. Successful to some means financially successful, regardless of quality or anything else. They are doing something for the money and that is enough for them.  I would never do that. I can say that because I am proud and poor. Throw lots of money at me and I am willing to bet my opinion can be modified, as most opinions can be as the situation changes. To others, success may mean getting published, finishing a race or project, or just being happy about an effort or choice. It can be 'just happy to be here' , or  satisfied that they did the right thing, or all they could.

So everybody has to figure out what their 'right' way is, while clarifying what is 'wrong'.

Next episode :  Poking the Bears.

Yeah, I like that.  I will use that in my Wikipedia entry, if someone makes one for me.

C'mon people. Join my fan club and get me on Wikipedia.

Mark Burkenbine.
I've got Big Twits: Make Me One of the 140 Characters of your life

Is it actually bad to occasionally re-post an old post? I still do not quite understand site rankings, just know that I am low enough on the totem pole that they shouldn't matter.  TOP BLOGGER does not appear to be achievable.I am happy to know someone  smiles at my 'content' now and then.    I have also been told that my posts need to be longer to improve rankings.  I have read many a blog that had repeated information in it just to make it longer.   Nah, I will pass on that.    To all the search engines crawling on me, there has to be a better way.   Length of an article should have nooooo bearing on anything.
So, bucking the 'rules' once again, I double dare you and Re-Post

Yaks and Yeti

So....we are setting in the living room of our two bedroom cave in the Himalayas, enjoying a few cold brews and cold pizza.  We are watching the Yeti chase the Yaks around in the valley just off the deck. Yes, we have a wager on who wins.  I says to Salman, "so what did you do to end up here? "

He replies, "well....I am a writer. A well educated man that created a well written book that was badly received by an entire religious sect.  I fear for my life constantly, and I can never let my guard down. I have been condemned by an entire way of life and there is a price on my head."

He tosses his bear bottle into the fire, and takes another bite of Pizza,( can you believe we found an all night delivery in the Himalayas...that was awesome.) 

"What, my new friend, ...what the hell did you do?"

I picked off the anchovies and black olives off my side of the loaded combo #7 w/ original crust.  

"Well....I  led my entire life like a Rube Goldberg machine. Did the easiest things the hardest way possible."

"How does that get you here?"  he says while burping like a college freshman.

I replied,   "Well...I decided honesty was the best policy. I decided there are things in my life that need fixed. I decided I needed a new profession and that I liked to write and create things. I am an odd person and following others doesn't seem to be a strong point.  I wanted to get paid to be me."

"an admirable ambition. I commend you " he says. "But..?"

Here we go.  Crap , that's the last beer.  Man, other than the pizza guy, there is nothing out here. This may be the most isolated spot on earth. Looks like the Yeti won again, but didn't beat the spread.  It's a sucker bet. Yeti always win, but Yaks run out the clock.  Salman pays for the beer and pizza again.

I finish my story. "  I wrote some very honest essays. Put it on this thing called BLOG.  A few people saw them.  Now, I owed money to some but money is what I am trying to make out of this eventually, so my argument with them is look...I am BROKE and trying to fix that. I cannot make enough at my job anymore, so it is time to find a new job."

Salman says " dude you are long winded, get to the point. If you owe money and the collectors aren't what you are worried about, what the Hell got you worried enough to be in the middle of freakin' nowhere?"

I said , " Chill out. Man you get edgy after losing a bet. Just once, take the Yaks and the point."

I continue, "  I wrote some personal stuff down , about my kids, about my views on life ( Salmans  left brow lifts from under his doo rag).  "and", he says?

"Well, I may have mentioned some exes or eluded to one or two. " I mutter, " and there may be an angry old girlfriend with an angry Lesbian aquaintance."

Salman takes the beer out from where he had been saving it for a needed occasion and bites the cap off. I keep telling him those are twist offs.

"dude" he says, " I have been chased around the world by a people that are relentlessly  chasing me to avenge their GOD, and you....are screwed. It is time for you to go."

Mumbles something about me being there for a month, they must be onto me, time for a new identity again, maybe Atlantis?.,,angry lesbians.....

welcome to my world!

---Mark Burkenbine

A long ,long time ago, I was filling out a bio for a bowling tournament I had entered.  A friend of mine had described his occupation as a student of the game.  I then looked around at the field and determined that several of the regulars where not just competitors, or students.  I realized they were the characters of the game.

Everybody has baggage, and is irritating at some point. Have you ever noticed that even people you cannot stand, or just don't know, have something interesting and entertaining that can captivate you for a few moments. It can be a smile, an attitude, just a way they do something.

We all have our quirks. Some quirks are more fun to watch than others.

Find those people. The ones that just thinking of  makes you smile and feel good.  It could be a neighbor, a friend, a person who works at a store.

Dig through your memories and find 140  characters of your life.   It seems to be a successful number.

Thanks for your time

-Mark Burkenbine

Anyone know of any call center work a husband and wife team can do at home?  We are both literate and comfortable speaking to others. Wife has B.S. in Business Administration with majors in human resources, management and accounting.
 I tinker in creating blogs, videos and web content. www.Allthingsburkenbine.com is the home to that project.
 I also have:
* three years experience in financial institution  occupancy and quality control property inspections
* ten years experience managing retail sporting goods, specifically bowling  pro shops, and have a lifetime involved in bowling.


I can bowl a little bit, shovel snow, mow a lawn, and drive incredible distances. We are willing to look at all above the board possibilities.   Any of the projects on my website will always be on the table to be completed.

Dispatcher, office manager, call center, answering services,manage a small business?
We would prefer to work together if possible, but again, almost anything will be considered.

Thanks for your time

Mark & Amy Burkenbine  , Missouri
mbowl@hotmail.com