When writing your web site description, be accurate so you reap the benefits of SEO.

Crap.

All Things Burkenbine, alias Blackie South Eleventh.

The startling story of a man making a lack of direction his niche. Songs with no music( aren't those poems?). Fictional stories with no follow up posted. No follow ups to anything. . Social media posting of his favorite sandwich and snacks. Autobiographical stories and life updates. Drawings from out of the blue. Partial business plans. I think a few of these are meant to be radio shows.Masquerading as variety, All Things Burkenbine and Blackie South Eleventh are purposely meant to bring new meaning to the adult contemporay/ alternative/ Miscellaneous uncategorized category.

All Things Burkenbine.

Conform to know one. Figure out how to be good at what you do.

Make  the unmarketable successful.

Enjoy your job search!

Conflicted

It's funny how the images of life present themselves over and over in our minds.
Flashes. Hints. Sometimes like we are the dream at that very moment.
You ever have that really deep, really long hybernation sleep? The kind of sleep that you woke up refreshed, ready, and different.
Things looked, smelled...different.
I was sick every time.Various pains and sickness.  Pneumonia had me out for days of delirium.

Many countries and religions have the folk tales of the lazy man that went to the forest, mountain or cave to dodge work or war.
Rip had a good time, playing 9 pin with the dark clad ghosts, drank their rum...and woke up 20 years later to find his wife dead and the town ravaged by war, and only his daughter remembering him.
Is that how it  is really remembered?

A hundred years ago, scholars found writings of a man named Jesus. They were buried in the sands of the old world. The writings were from a thousand years ago, not two thousand.
He wrote of life and this planet as your heaven, and your hell.
You make it what you will.

They say, down at the crossroads, one can make the deal of a lifetime....another old saying is "there is a sucker born every minute."

Maybe...There are no deals one needs help with. Maybe,  It is just a matter of seeing things the way, well, the way they can be seen by someone who sees.

Someone who knows.

TIme. Space. Fate. Religions. Science. History. Truth. Myth. Legend. Oracle.

The truth is in the stories. In the minds eye.

Vision.

A life is what you make it.

We are Gods.... We were planted here to grow. Earth is a petri dish. We weren't originally planted here to be cattle. We were put here to be Gods. We are the aliens.

We can create anything we put our minds to....and yet most won't.

Ever notice how some  are just a little over skilled to be "normal humans"?  A little extra going on.
You know the ones I mean.
Life seems easy. Like they can see the path.  SEE IT, not just have faith it is there. They just step to the side of the oncoming  trouble and pick up again.  Some obviously have enormous capacity.

Hitler...how did he do so much?  I know it was all damage...but how did he pull it off? How did one little man get the entire worlds attention ?

Kahn? Genghis Kahn.He conquered a continent on horseback. He raped thousands of women. A large part of Asia is now a direct descendant to one man.

All that glitters...
Gods. Demi Gods. Aliens. Humans...all the same. Heaven. Hell. Dopplegangers. Black Holes.

We are some kind of clone.

Men defined what god is. Men wrote bibles to keep other "men" in place.

Feelings of Discomfort by Burkenbine

Traditional gifts for  untraditional sentiments.  We all have our Feelings  of Discomfort, why dodge it?  

Unforgettable moments and special issues need cards also.  

Topics include:

Thinking of you

 for neighbors or co workers  -  I see you almost everyday and I really don't like you at all, but I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Hope things work out for you and your family.

 for the Ex.....I can still feel your love. It burns when I pee.

Thank you notes

Thanks for making dinner. Have you seen sparky?

For your doctor.  Prostate exam--  I'm not sure of the protocol, but , can we be friends?

Wedding

Congratulations!  It will work this time

Memories

Hunting/camping/road trip

"Hey, remember when you drank my spit cup?"

"Hey , remember when you drank my pee cup?"

Apologies

 I didn't know my webcam was on.   Um, I got hacked.  

Infidelity

Roses are red, 

Violets are blue

your real father is the milkman

"Her name is  (insert stripper name), I was drunk.  I don't think I used the babymaker..."

and many other traditional and miscellaneous uncomfortable  topics to choose from. Such as...

"So, is your daughter 21?"

"So , is your wife happily married?"

Same sex--"are you happily married?"

Same sex--"So, I saw you in the restroom. you want to be friends?"

After death of spouse

"Did you have insurance? Would you like to have dinner?  Too soon?"

My personal favorite-

"Honey, that is really hot. Is that a new vibrator?"       "No dear, I found it in that dresser your mother gave us. "

"Nice to meet you. What is your porn name?"

-Slogans can be customized.   Next time you have a Feeling of Discomfort, let it fester a little and pass it around.   

Life is good.

The previous information is a real business that occasionally uses real jokes.  

Mark Burkenbine sometimes is Blackie South Eleventh.   I had a choice of Blackie South 11th, or Ruffie Rural Route 1 for a porn name.

mburkenbine@gmail.com  for information on how to place orders.   

As I spread my holiday cheer throughout the world,
 I think of the things I have to be thankful for.
This morning I am thankful for Amy and her family
, and of course all my kids, father ,brother and friends.
I am thankful I can remember my mother like she is still here.
 I am thankful for everyone's attempt to understand.
 I am thankful for all the chances I have had to experience this wonderful thing called life.
The good and the bad.
 I whine a lot, but It is usually a deadpan joke. I assure you, I have seen a lot more good than bad.

I apologize for the cruel thanksgiving displays of celebration. To those that do not recognize this particular holiday...too bad. Your loss.  For me, it is about being thankful for what you have right now. It doesn't have to be religious or a national day of pride.  Every day can be a thanksgiving for anyone.

...Today, in particular, I am thankful for muscle relaxers, anti inflammatories , tens units, and of course--black coffee and rum.

Yesterday, I broke a sweat eating breakfast.  I am so out of shape, chewing is now my only calorie burning exercise. .    I didn't realize I was going to need a training program to make it through the Thanksgiving dinner marathon. I should've started with the two piece meal at KFC about 6 months ago, and worked my way up to a bucket.    I will have to remember to stretch and hydrate to keep from cramping...start slow.

My new tin can candle and greeting card line.  Feelings of Discomfort.

Good Evening, my minions.  My name is Blackie South Eleventh.  I have a lifetime in experience and provide guidance into the wantrepreneurial world.  Major in entertainment , minor in troubador.

Let us define Wantrepreneurship.  You have a love for projects, ideas, thought process and gaining knowledge. You lack the ability to get them off the ground, or sometimes, the skills to even get into the field in the first place.

Let us go over my long career as a wantrepreneur.

I tried to run away at the age of 4 or 5, hid in my neighbors boat with my plastic fishing pole, and was ready to take on the world.   I  had clothes and sandwiches.  Search and rescue found me under the boat tarp, asleep.

At the age of 15, I wanted to be a professional bicycle motocross racer even though I had never won a single race in my beginners category and actually found a loophole that would have allowed me to move up.

At 16, I dropped out of school cause I could not focus and I figured there was nothing left for me to learn. I didn't even know how to drive til I was 18. ( I did at least get a GED)

I want to be a writer. Produce videos. Create companies. Write songs  ( I don't know a single note, so I write lyrics).Sing songs. Act. Write books. Create an entertainment center. Create a group that gets tools into the hands of  talented people that can use them to become self employed.

I like the idea of writing slogans and sayings for novelties, t shirts, and greeting cards.

 Doesn't everybody feel like they could start a new company every day?

I tried to create a blog/video network and had planned to make my car the actual studio for it.

What I do best, is set at my white table, and make ideas.  That white table is my baby grand piano.

Wantrepedour. Take ownership of your inner wantrepreneur, and make some music with it.  Just don't get anything done. Don't create a team, and don't get investors. Follow these steps and you can live the life of the wantrepreneur.

New lyrics at What would this be without a song

Yours truly
-Blackie South Eleventh.     What's your porn name?

In Karma's Web

The scene is an old downtown cafe in Little Town U.S.A.   The cafe is bustling during Saturday breakfast, with the waitresses skillfully navigating the plates  between the booths and tables, even with the occasional foot sticking out in the aisle.

Ham, eggs, bacon and sausage seem to be on every plate, with eggs, of course.

In the middle of the dining area are two farmers discussing next seasons crops and of course, planning for their  livestock entries into the state fair.

They are enjoying their time together, discussing old fair victories over coffee, breakfast and the newspaper.

What they don't realize is the sudden quiet and emptiness of the cafe.

Shift to the taller building across the street and you will see a sight you indeed would not be looking for.  A short pig is climbing the fire ecape. A pig with an eye patch, a black trench coat and a snipers rifle.  Clearly mercenary in nature, but with a deep conviction  for this particular job.

In the cafe, the two gentlemen look around and realize they are alone, except for a large old rat in a very stylish leather overcoat and beret.  The rat is in the corner booth, and says in a mocking tone," you know I found the pesticides in her corner. "

The farmer nervously says," I don't know what you are talking about. It was natural causes."

The rat says, " Willie, he did not take kindly to the news. He was grateful for what you did for him, even though you ate his Uncle. He had been in the Sudan for quite some time, but found time to come back home.   By the way, you should finish those hashbrowns. One more bite of bacon and this may not be as clean as planned"

The farmers got up and came toward the well dressed rat.  He calmly spoke the word "clear" into his cell phone and it was over. Two shots.

The rat finished the toast and hashbrowns , smiled his big toothed smile and said to the corpses "Salutations, bitches."

The pig and the rat drive away, a last wish fulfilled.

 The final  message in the web was 'Avenge Me!'.

--Mark Burkenbine

Written 11/12/13 by Mark Burkenbine  copyright 2013

Marketing to Zombies: Opportunity exists.

Marketing and Sales to Zombies. There is always an opportunity for someone.

In a study of Zombies, corporate research has shown that they like bright pink and purple. It calms them, as does disco music.
They are efficient at slow moving, repetitive motions. Factory shift work has begun in many sectors.
When the walls of the factory are painted pink and purple, with disco dance music playing through speakers, productivity rates continue to soar.
In this situation, training for all mundane tasks can begin.

Feed them human beef, made from the homeless. The homeless rate will skyrocket as humans are either eaten or the virus mutates them.  Pay them less than you do the illegal immigrants, but feed them better. The ten year food supply looks to be stocked well.

They will quickly create their own monetary and social systems and individual herds to market products to.   Soon they will have their own entertainment and fashion industry to occupy their free time between work shifts.

The bright pink and purple fashion industry will explode. Snazzy preppy outfits of this color will be desired by mummies and zombies alike, but they will be necessities for humans that want to stay off the menu.

 Expect music groups from the 70's and 80's to make huge comebacks.

A Zombie Apocalypse is a marketers dream.  But, so are all forms of Apocalypse.  Before Jesus walks the earth again, there would be 4 Hor$emen trading cards. There would be T shirts of a horseman holding his crotch with a slogan of  " I got your Apocalypse right here, baby."

In the meantime, Zombies become a powerful political faction, but they look down on werewolves and vampires.   These creatures have a bias against Zombies as well.   To a Werewolf or Vampire, Zombies offer no nutritional value. Zombies are the junk food,  the high fructose corn syrup of prey.  They move so temptingly slow, but they taste bad, they smell bad....yet, somehow you can't eat just one.
After a generation of eating Zombies, the vampires and werewolves get slow and fat.  Their eyes bug out , skin itches and they get testy.  Now the market for substance abuse centers for eating zombies opens up. There will be 12 step programs.

Opportunity is everywhere, all the time.

Happy Halloween

Mark Burkenbine
www.allthingsburkenbine.com

First, let us play a game called find the Spelling and punctuation errors.Report each one in the comments. Person who gets the most errors is the honorary unpaid editer of this mess called All Things Burkenbine.     I will not fix broken sentences.

Anybody want to be in the All Things Burkenbine Fan Club?  That seems to be a burden and a curse only those marked from birth should share, but if you want a fan club, here you go.

Don't forget my shameless begging for someone to turn in a Wikipedia entry for me , Mark Burkenbine,
Remember my campaign slogan.
Mark Burkenbine. Put me in Wikipedia. I've got BIG TWITS: Make me one of the 140 characters of your life.
You would think one of those debt collectors could make this happen.

Am I the only one who has ever tried to use debt collectors as part of my marketing campaign? You would think I could get them to unite and round me up some customers.

Have a great day, and thank you for your time.

Hugo the Agnostic Cowboy and  his compatriot, the Atheist Heinrich.

Heinrich

Each episode our two hero's discuss the difference between being Agnostic and Atheist.   Hugo speaks in a very distinct ,male German- ish dialect known all through the land as "I will rule the world speak". Heinrich speech will vary. It could be no accent at all and be American female. Many episodes will have Hugo refer to Heinrich as a typical male Atheist, to which Heinrich will reply with american female voice, "God Dammit I am not an atheist.".  Heinrich then replies, "tsk tsk. You Atheists don't believe in anything. "

In every episode,there is a scene where Heinrich and Hugo are setting in a bar. Hugo is always in those assless chaps , cowboy boots, shirt and hat.  Heinrich is always asking" is this where a burly popular country singer from Oklahoma beats us soundly like we enjoy so much? Please?  " 

At the end of every Episode, Heinrich is in bed, in the dark and you hear Heinrich say to Hugo questioningly (Hugo is in another room--they are just compatriots, after all)  

" Hugo, are the professional bowlers ok?"

Hugo replies " I am sure they are fine.

 Heinrich " They are soo strong. They deserve to make more money"

Hugo" If you say so. Goodnight."

The hit comedy-musical cartoon comic book live radio show' Hugo, the Agnostic Cowboy' coming to a theater near you.

Thank you for your time

Mark Burkenbine

Put me on Wikipedia

Big Twits: Make me one of the 140 characters of your life

Hugo the Agnostic Cowboy coming soon.copyright Mark Burkenbine 2013

Big Twits: Let me be one of the 140 characters of your life.
Don't forget to make a wikipedia entry for me
Mark Burkenbine